We start at 8 PM!
8:00: All right, I admit: I've spent much of today bemoaning the fact that a) I'm not still in San Francisco and b) that there was too long of a line at The Fly Trap for me to satiate my craving for Huevos Rancheros. But none of that matters now--it's Oscars Night! E and I have settled in with a bottle of sparkling wine, Oscar Bingo cards (courtesy of the inimitable but apparently blogless Bonnie), and our picks. We're just pre-gaming it right now, watching the oh-so-sexy George Clooney joke about how his performance in Batman and Robin was comparable to Michael Clayton, and my first question for the live blog audience: who is the woman on his arm, and where can I get a knock-off of her dress?
8:14: Okay. Wasn't planning on doing a lot of updates during the pre-show, but WHOA, memo to wife of Daniel Day-Lewis: Abandon that dress! And further. Why, oh why, can Cameron Diaz never look attraactive at awards shows? As one who does not photograph well, I can sympathize with the fact that HD is inherently unkind to those of us with, shall we say, sharper features, but Cameron, babe, you have access to incredible stylists and makeup artists. Do something.
8:30: It should come as no shock that a significant number of my female friends would put Jon Stewart in their Card of Five. I'm not one of them (no offense, he's cool, just not my bag), but I am quite delighted he's allowed me to check off my first Bingo square, "someone mentions writer's strike," and he just referred to the whole night as "make-up sex." His self-deprecation and utter charisma are just --- OH! He just made a teen pregnancy joke! Check off another Bingo box!
8:40: Jon is taking care of this Bingo card all on his own: camera just zoomed on African-American actors when he mentioned Obama, he made fun of Diablo Cody's stripper past, and I've already ascertained that Javier Bardem and George Clooney are indeed looking hot.
8:41: So is Jennifer Garner. So classy. So naturally beautiful. And she just upset everyone Oscar's pool -- Elizabeth for Best Costumes? It was supposed to be Keira Knightley's green dress, dammit!
8:52: Animated films. Oh, for the love of all things holy, I want Persepolis to win this. It was utterly amazing, so nuanced, so wonderfully insightful and creative and well-written. And yet, I whored out for my Oscar picks, picking instead the allegedly gross and subpar movie about rats in the kitchen. Yes. I am a slave to the machine. E's quote regarding the two Not-Persepolis movies: "You can't tell if this was Disney or Dreamworks, or Joe's Mac computer. Choke on the mic and die." I have a point in my Oscar poll, but I feel dirty about it.
9:01: Okay. I'm not going to be captain No-Fun and criticize the adorable Amy Adams, but that song got nominated and none of the incredible songs from Into the Wild could get a nod? I love you Eddie Vedder, even if the Academy doesn't.
9:08: How the fuck does the fucking movie that looks no better than the fucking Coke commercial win the fucking Oscar! So speaks my impassioned spouse, though I think we're both irritated that we both picked Transformers for best acheivement in Visual Effects. I didn't see any of the selections, but Transformers was the only one that looked close to real in the clips.
9:13: Yes Jon, Cate has incredible range as an actress, but her dress leaves much to be desired. And she usually looks so good.
9:23: After Spanish-speaking hottie Javier, the surest lock this side of DDL, the whole "salute to binoculars" montage is fairly amusing. And Keri Russell, how completely lovely you look. Insert pie joke here.
9:30: If Le Mozart des Pickpockets is any indication, I can't do this whole "do 20 minutes of research and pick a convincing Oscar card" - I am not doing well at all. I am going to claim the winner's speech as less than 30 seconds for my Oscar card. And the little Bee gets me another square for "Animated Presenter."
9:34: All right--Best Supporting Actress. I've picked Tilda Swinton, E picked Amy Ryan. Cate Blanchett seems to be the "trendy" pick, Ruby Dee the "sentimental" pick, Saoirse Ronan the "whimsical" pick, and our two what's left. Seems wide open.... and I win. E may have just lost his Oscar office pool, which he's kind of been the Tom Hanks of.
9:45: Um, whoa. Jessica Alba and Cate Blanchett are both pregnant? God, I am AWFUL at being in the loop of celebrity fertility! (I didn't know J.Lo was pregnant until this week...)
10:06: E and I are both tanking in our Oscar picks like nobody's business. And that's all I have to say about that. And this whole "Who looks more like Halle Berry" schtick is no longer funny.
10:09: Not gonna lie -- cried at that Best Actress montage. I feel pretty confident in my Julie Christie pick, but I am delighted by Laura Linney's neckwear. And, whoa! Quite the upset for Marion Cotilliard, but my blogging hero Ian did accurately pick this one, and while I may have initially thought it was merely for her smoking good looks, he knows what he's talking about. And oh, how adorable she is! This is the best possibility this side of an Ellen Page upset.
10:23: Most of the songs are really doing nothing for me (the 11-year-old in "Raise Up" was great, but other than that, not much), but "Falling Softly" has a sweet and borderline genuine quality to its cheesiness.
10:28: E and I had a somewhat lengthy conversation about how the Oscar train has been derailing with remarkable predictability since the late 80s. Longer blog post on that to come. But four words: Forrest Gump. Titanic. Crash.
10:32: I will always adore and defend Nicole Kidman, but what is up with that necklace?
10:42: I'd like to get some insight into the "fluffiness" of the dresses: both Jessica Alba and Penelope Cruz have been sporting mini-boas on their dresses, and I can't really say it's done much for either one of them. However, the win for Austria in Foreign Film is making me feel like less of an Oscar loser.
10:46: Any readers: please weigh in on whether the guy dancing with Amy Adams in the final "Enchanted" song is a) reasonably cute or b) the love-child of Lurch and Jay Leno. I'll leave your fantastic deductive skills to guess which choice is mine and which is E's.
10:50: Blogging-hero Ian also predicted an 11 PM wrap-up for the Oscars, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's probably not going to happen, but don't I wish.
10:55: Evan has discovered that the Adult Entertainment Awards are simultaneously occurring. This is a time when "man in control of the remote" is clearly an upsetting concept.
11:12: This satellite presentation is super cool--maybe a little cheesy, but a really excellent concept, and nothing perks me up like seeing some people in fatigues, particularly since I'm really blowing chunks in my Oscar ballot. Not that this night's all about me.
11:39: Some observations since my last post:
- I'm pretty sure Harrison Ford was high on something other than life, but Diablo Cody is probably my favorite recipient of the night.
- Helen Mirren looked great, and better, imho, than a lot of the younger ladies. "Um, but not Ellen Page," says E. No, not better than Ellen Page.
- Did Helen Mirren even open the envelope?
- E has decided that DDL making the crack about not being knighted is not good enough to count as an "innappropriate political comment" on the Bingo card.
- DDL has also made one of the most touching and perfect acceptance speeches of the night.
11:42: Martin's eyebrows are still out of control, but he's quite cute, especially with the "I know how much this award will mean..." thing.
11:45: Denzel is not making me think of Herman Boone. Impressive. He also seems to be rushing through this Best Picture process. Probably because everyone seems to think the Coen freight train is unstoppable, which it apparently is. Scott Ruden: "It's a complete surprise?" Um, do you know what the internet is?
For some reason, even through I was really captivated by all the films of this year, I kind of stopped getting into it halfway through. Further reflections tomorrow, but I hope you guys enjoyed the show.